Yes- I am terrible at everything related to taking pictures of myself (see the post dedicated to it)

This is my obligatory this-happened-nearly-three years-ago-but-it-is-still-ridiculous statement

I like Mario Kart. I have liked it since I played it in my basement as a kid, on the Super NES. The giant square of green shag carpet, the table that looked like barrels and eating nine million Fla-Vor-Ice’s whilst kicking the computer’s ass was good times. So now pregnant, I am nostalgic. My husband and I are playing Mario Kart on the Wii U. He is losing. He is losing badly because his wife is kick-ass at Mario anything and the poor dear cannot compete. He curses inventively. I giggle. He says “bitch-dicks” and I lose it. I jump up because I know peeing on the bed is imminent if I don’t get off it (I am far enough along that throwing up, or laughing, or coughing, or even someone looking at me wrong, causes me to pee).

My klutzy red-headed ass begins to tilt and stagger. I am headed straight for my vanity and my belly is at the correct level that I am afraid the baby will be seriously hurt, so I throw myself off-course violently and fall to the floor. At this point I am shaken-up but extremely excited that I haven’t urinated on everything around me. Enter the dogs: an over 100lb black lab mix and a 65lb pit mix. I cannot stop laughing. It isn’t funny; I’m a little frightened, but I am laughing like an elementary school kid who knows she in trouble for being disruptive and laughing, so she laughs even harder (yes, that shit happened to me). By this time Hubband (it’s what I call- him typo is on purpose which is why it is capitalized as a proper noun) is standing over me looking worried and screaming at the dogs. The dogs, who are currently prancing around in unadulterated joy at the super-fun scene before them. Mommy is laughing and she’s on the floor to play with us. The dogs whose talon like nails and giant-ass selves are about to land on my stomach as they excitedly bathe my face in saliva.

I still cannot stop laughing. Hubband wrestles dogs off me and is screaming at me asking if I am “ok”. I can’t breathe and the torrent of pee is released. It is released all over me, and immediately soaking through my clothes, all over the carpeted floor (and yes even some on the dogs). “You are peeing,” he yells. I am still laughing and struggling really hard to breathe at this point. The scene is absolute and complete fuckery. He helps me to sit up and looks at me in complete shock and surprise and says, “What the fuck even happened?”


I almost seriously injured my baby by running into a wooden vanity at the height of my belly, pissed all over myself and everything else, and then almost seriously injured the baby again because our two giant-ass dogs were jumping all around me.