Most days I feel like I have been stripped down: medically, emotionally, spiritually. It has been quite awhile since I have written on here. I was really happy to see the site still up because I’m not sure I have all those articles saved elsewhere and now that GG is 6, 3 years ago seems like a lifetime.
I’ve done a lot of things to try and be better and do better. The most frustrating thing about my medical condition(s) is that I can do everything right and still feel sick on and off throughout the day. Then I get mad at myself. Who gets mad at themselves for being sick? I would wager a lot of people, oh and myself. I know from my sobriety to rely on God but I’ve really gotten stuck in the human blames omniscience blame game. I know I’m not alone and I know that God has been an integral part of me being sober 12 years, but somehow I have compartmentalized and in some areas I am self-will run riot. I want and need God’s help staying sober, but I’m quite sure I can handle my health and life in general or at least I keep seizing the reigns back every two seconds.
Deep down I’m beyond angry and hurt. The death that has touched our family and the family of others I love is just egregious. See? Me judging when people should live and die, that is a whole lot of pretend control that I do not have. And, unfortunately, the more out-of-control things seem, the more control I try to exert and the more I spin off into the abyss of persistent anxiety.
No one likes anxiety, but I hate it so bad that I would rather be in physical pain. Two days after they cut me from under my breasts down to my belly button and removed half my pancreas I stopped using the PRN meds that are on the button you push. I don’t do well on pain meds in general and with the nature of the surgery my body was out of control with anxiety. The nurses kept coming in and being shocked when they could tell from the machine that I hadn’t pushed the button. After 3 days they finally believed me and took it away.
We all go through things in our lives where we are certain it is the worst thing we will ever go through, until it gets eclipsed by something down the road. I know I need to be more optimistic and less afraid. I know I need to relax and love me family and friends and live my life and find joy where I can. Knowing things cognitively does not mean that they magically occur in real time. More to come………