Incapacitation

Being reborn is so painful

Theres mucous in my eyes

and blood in my throat

and I’m choking on viscous and bile

 

Who am I becoming?

Is this who I am supposed to be?

 

This tiny girl

carrying an extra 40 pounds.

Self-loathing

and inarticulate sounds

 

In a relationship I am unsure of

in a life I have always been unsure about

 

I thought I was supposed to be in this coccon

Wrapped safely up

a place of sobriety

a haven of assuredness

 

I want to spin….

I’m always spinning anyhow

 

So why not more weed?  More alcohol?

I could try coke this time

Ecstasy

 

Bury myself in the arms of a different way to be

It’s so uncomfortable being me

Being real and secure

as if that exists

 

All these people walking around….unaware that they will lose everyone or everything

until they lose themselves

but that’s the way it is supposed ot be

and after all, isn’t it the attitude that is supposed to carry us through?

The faith?

Our God?

 

If freefalling is free than why does it seem like it always ends in shackles?

Using always shackles me

It’s never enough

I’m never enough?

You’re not

He isn’t

My parents were’t?

 

Can I really reinvent myself one more time?

Can I really knock on the door and see this woman

This young woman who is aging now

The one I picture in the framework of my past

I thought i had worked through all of these feelings…..I thought I had finally understood that being an alcoholic was a gift

Sometimes heavy in its responsibility but a gift nontheless